Sunday, 22 June 2014

Sneaking in at SV Berliner VG 49

Sneaking in at SV Berliner VG 49

 

 
The BVB Stadion, home of Sportverein Berliner Verkehrsbetriebe 49 e. V., or  SV BVB 49 e.V. for short,  hosts an impressive crumbling ruin of a stand.

The stand was opened in 1922 and used as a sports facility for the workers of the nearby train station. Now, the stand is unused, protected by steel fencing and listed building status.  

During the Second World War the German anti aircraft forces were stationed here and the grounds used as a munitions storage. Whilst renovating the ground in the 1990's five tonnes of munitions and an unexploded bomb were found on the grounds.

Next to the stadium is an abandoned swimming pool, now full of manky water and home to a very lonely duck. The pool was built in 1928 and was used for training by athletes competing in the 1936 Olympic Games. After the war the pool remained unused until the 1970's when it was re-opened by the East German authorities, remaining open until the late 80's.


 

 






















 

Sunday, 15 June 2014

World Cup Tat

Flogging the World Cup....

AiT has long held the theory that companies will  try and flog any old shite by making a tenuous connection to football. At the last World Cup AiT's undercover reporter went into English supermarkets and successfully proved the theory, this time we've been out and about in Germany and the results are terrifying.

 
A World Cup themed sausage. Because Germans need encouragement to eat *more* sausages.  

 
Oh well played Axe. Well played. A sticker album of players wives. I've got a bathroom full of Java deodorant cans now after a failed attempt to complete this collection. Phwwwoooarr!! Chicks! 

Super noodles and football go together like a chicken and a speed boat. 

 A sad dog and some bowls of dog grub are used by the Deutsche Bahn to ehh....get people to travel on a train more often. Works for me.

It's toilet paper!!! Why do you need to put ANY advertising on it. It is what it is. It does it's job, we all buy it, there's no need for a football on the packaging. It's not gonna make me shit any more often! FFS!

Cardboard floodlights as part of an instore display. This works for me. This definitely works. AiT says "Drink Coca Cola, holiday are coming, drink Coca Cola, the real thing. Mmmmm, Coca Cola"

EAT MORE KINDER SURPRISE EGGS OR WE TAKE PETER SHILTON HOSTAGE!!! DON'T THINK WE DON'T MEAN IT!!

This is, genuinely, the mug of a young Rudi Voeller on the face of a Kinder chocolate bar. Didn't buy them. A picture of Frank Rijkaard gobbing in his perm and I would have cleared the shelves. 

 Holsten Pils! Who knew it still existed? Should have spent the money sponsoring Tottenham again.

 It's a mattress!! No one buys a mattress on a whim! No one thinks "oh, it's Switzerland v Ecuador in the magnificent spectacle that is the World Cup this afternoon and because of this I should purchase a new mattress at my earliest possible convenience."

 
Super Dickmann's. Super Dickmann's. Super! Dick. Mann.

The official DFB Fan bike set. Holy smoke. This is an "official" product. Football is "officially" dead to me.

Jogi Low looks absolutely delighted to be holding a sweatshop produced T-shirt that no one, absolutely NO ONE is ever going to wear. 

The text on the side says "with funny fan set to build". Jeez, the phrase "funny fan set" makes my skin bubble. 

 
Pringles have previous with AiT. They've pulled this stunt before and it wasn't funny then. 

 
Toothbrushes. I buy a new toothbrush once a year, whether I need it or not, buying three (even if they do look very pretty in German colours) is fresh madness.  

Although this milk drink is called Jose Strawberry the likeness to a certain high profile Premier League manager is fooling no one. Steve Bruce, get your lawyer on the phone!

Eggs painted to look like footballs. What has become of us as a race?

Saturday, 7 June 2014

Blau Weiss Friedrichshain v FC Kreuzberg II



Heaven Is A Place On A Roof


Blau Weiss Friedrichshain 1-2 FC Kreuzberg II
Metro Fussballhimmel, Berlin
Kreisliga C, Berlin
Sunday 31st May 2014
Attendance 60 (ish)

Blau Weiss Friedrichshain play in the Kreisliga C, the lowest level of the Berlin league system, but on (get this irony fans - someone get Alanis Morissette on the phone) the highest pitch in Berlin. A pitch on the roof (THE ROOF!) of a Cash and Carry (A CASH AND CARRY!) Mmmm, now that’s good tinpot.



The stadium, which is a whole 12m off the ground (ok- we’re not talking breathing difficulties during World Cup Qualifiers in La Paz here), is tremendously called “Football Heaven” and yes, there is a stairway to Football Heaven. It has a 300 capacity, main stand on wheels and spectacular views over legendary all night disco party Berghain, the East Side Gallery the O2 World and the TV Tower.  It also has the type of Astroturf that would ruin your legs if went for a sliding tackle. It’d give you one of them nasty burns. One of them that rub away against your trousers for fucking ages.

Prior to this season Blau Weiss Friedrichshain were playing in Berlin’s “Freetime” league. During their first season in real tinpot they stand on the brink, some say cusp, of promotion if they could manage to avoid defeat against FC Kreuzberg II (Part Deux).


Kick off was at the lie in ruining time of 10am. Prior to kick off excited young Friedrichshain players enthusiastically go through pre prepared warm up routines. At the other end of the roof overweight Turks amble around, occasionally hoofing a ball, or stretching against the fence. Dolly Parton, Bryan Adams and Lily Allen loom large over the pitch, their pixelated faces flickering on the big screen dangled on the wall of the 02 World.

Word. Yo. 

The Blau Weiss Friedrichshain website demanded that the fans bring “something that is blue and white, a whistle, a rattle or a flare”. As it turned out the only thing anyone brought with them was a packed breakfast. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, messes with a Germans right to a leisurely weekend breakfast. At kick off no whistles are blown, no rattles are twirled or flares lit; instead the only noise comes from the rustling of paper bags full bread rolls, the tearing open of packets of salami and the pop of plastic lids covering cheese spreads being removed.


The breakfast club. 


In the time it takes a German to slap some cheese and salami on a bread roll a long punt down field leaves a surprised, and yawning, FC Kreuzberg II ("Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water”) striker through on goal. With a clear view of the whites of the keepers eyes, or in the bedroom windows of the 5th floor flats behind the pitch, he shuffles through on goal. One scuffed shot later and FC Kreuzberg II (The Smell of Fear) are ahead. Bread rolls are angrily chomped. My stomach rumbles. Even at 10:02am it’s berluddy hot, I could definitely have fried an egg on one of the seats.

Token match shot. 

FC Kreuzberg II (The Story Continues) are two nil ahead before breakfast has even reached the third serving of bread rolls. 12 minutes later and breakfast has now moved on to the fruit course and, more importantly given the vague notion of this being a football blog, Blau Weiss score a goal. The tremendously teutonically titled Fritz Fischer fires a shot across the roof that would have reached from the bakery section to the frozen pizza aisle of your standard Asda Wal-Mart supermarket.




The second half sees FC Kreuzberg II (and the Temple of Doom) battle to thwart BW Friedrichshain. Tempers, and layers of skin covering the knee caps, get frayed. Shouts of “we've got to work on Monday” and “you know how the pitch burns” accompany threats of physical violence. Unfit (but fitter than me)  men battle to contain energetic young ‘uns with a defensive system that consists of hoofing the ball as far as possible and an attacking strategy that focuses on shooting from miles out, because running towards goal just isn’t an option anymore. Somehow it works and, with breakfast drawing to a close, and discussions about lunch options beginning, the players of FC Kreuzberg II (The Legend Continues) fall to Heaven’s floor victorious and exhausted.

Friday, 25 April 2014

Erzgebirge Aue v Union Berlin

Erzgebirge Aue - A Fashion and Lifestyle Special.

Erzgebirge Aue v Union Berlin
Erzgebirgsstadion, Aue
2. Bundesliga
Sunday 6th April 2014
Attendance 12,000

Purposely remote to keep you fashionistas and hipsters out, the German town of Aue is the centre of this year's fashion world  The town's chic epicentre is it's football stadium, where modern fashion trends are dictated and lifestyles shaped. AiT was there when Erzgebirge Aue launched their 2014 collection and we can now give you an exclusive glimpse into what you'll be wearing by the time it's already gone out of fashion and highlights what's in in interior design. 

Erzgebirge Aue 2014 Menswear Collection



It's official! HATS ARE BACK!!
We've been waiting for hats to make a triumphant comeback and this woolly, rolled up number is so damn triumphant it should be paraded round Aue on it's own open top bus tour.  

The model. A classic weather beaten German look. Sausage gripped with both hands, dodgy moustache and  make up which screams "those shots at 3am were a bad idea". We love it.

 
Hats. YES! Rolled up......rolled further up....rolled right up....finally rolled into a point that gestures gloriously to the sky where the fashion gods nod approvingly and provide rapturous applause. Comes with optional AM radio antenna that can be incorporated into the peak.

H.A.T.S. Hmm, this one has dampened our expectations somewhat. But this guys cheeky face, which looks like it's been drawn by a seven year old, complete with playful tiny mouth on an off centre angle, means we begrudgingly include this head topper.

Hats! This standard (very basic - could have looked better) baseball cap comes with an additional (optional) two tufts of wiry hair and a bushy moustache, which can be combined to form this powerful German look.  A daring approach and we're not sure. 

 
More hats! Too much of a good thing? Maybe. We love a top hat though and we're all absolute suckers for the bushy hair and moustache combo (available also in black with a baseball cap - see above). We're convinced

Will football fans wear beefeater style hats? They should do. Tall hats are in. Add in the bushy hair, the beard and the moustache on this fan and we expect to see terraces across Europe packed with fans wearing these. This poor model needs to go to a dentist though, just look at those teeth. Outrageous. A gummy misjudgement.

Aue love the hat. We don't know about this one. W? W for why? ARE WE RIGHT?! The hat is only slightly redeemed by the optional mini floodlight that can be Pritt Sticked to the brim for a sum of 4 Euro (see model on right). 


A jaunty hat that looks like a football. This is not a hat as we know it. We're confused. Again, serious dental hygiene issues are exposed in Aue due to the embarrassing ruddy cheeks, a sign of poor gums, and drooping tongue sported by these two (hopefully now out of work) models.

An Erzgebirge Aue scarf stitched onto to a truly luscious mullet wig to create a timeless look. Classic German. This Aue fan could only look more German if he was dancing to oompah music with David Hasselhoff whilst eating a bratwurst. Bravo!

WOW! Just WOW! Bob Marley trousers. A colourful extravaganza paying homage to Aue's most famous son, who was famously raised in the mountainous area of southern German and continued to live there all his life, often paying tribute to the region in his lyrics. 

The Marley trousers forms the colourful centrepiece of Erzgebirge Aue's range of reggae trousers. Also available are Pato Banton jogging bottoms, Warren G cycling shorts, Apache Indian breeches and Chaka Demus and Pliers knickerbockers. Daring.

How does Bob Marley like his Donuts? 

He doesn't. He's dead. Famously, the dead don't like donuts. The jam gets all over their skeletal fingers. 

Erzgebirge Aue 2014 Womenswear Collection


A hairband is basically just a small hat isn't it? We're not sure about this women's purple rinse or her dodgy coat but her smile makes us want to write sonnets.

These two glamorous damsels the Erzgebrige Aue purple highlights wig. Sadly the damp conditions saw the colours run and leave a rusty coloured monstrosity on their heads. A highlight themed low light of an inspired collection.

Enough hats, now it's time to move slightly down the face. A range of women's glasses is a daring move for any football club. But a range of glasses that only covers the top half of your peepers means this is a ludicrous idea and an optical disaster. 

Christmas carol chic for the ladies? Ding dong merrily on high and gloria, hosanna in excelsis this is a terrible idea!!

Erzgebirge Aue 2014 Interior Collection


Jack Frost is one fearsome icy bastard but he doesn't stand a chance against any beholder of this Erzgebirge Aue ice scraper. Winter mornings will never be the same again.

Erzgebirge Aue are no walk over. This door mat is. Clean your feet. Take off those sandals young German. Nice pulled up white socks you're wearing there. This door mat makes any house a home. A home without muddy foot prints. Over priced at 19,95.

Every fashion conscious dog is wearing T-Shirts this year. Given the fixation with hats in this years range we had expected to witness pets in hats. Who wouldn't want to see a labrador in a trilby?

The Erzgebirge Aue pet clothing range takes a shocking turn with the bizarre inclusion of this drug addled frog/green duck in a tie? WTF? If you see one of these in your pond, or your local lake, please fill it with concrete immediately.